ABOUT SASHA

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a taxonomy of scars

★ YOU'RE A TREE WHICH CAN'T GROW.[break]You're 8-year-old when your mother, Irina, and you emigrate to the United States. She was 17 when she had you, and craves for a better life for both you. The American dream swirls in her head. She has told you one of her friends would help her to become a model. Somehow you feel proud because, in your eyes, your mother is the most beautiful woman you know. Her friend takes care of everything, and you eventually settle down in New York City, in a building full of Slavic families. But the family pattern is always the same: single mothers. [break][break]
After a few months, you notice there are a lot of men in your mother's life. No one is your genitor. (You'll never use the word father because you don't want to acknowledge an emotional connection with the man you never knew.) Most of you treat you well. They give you sweets. Churchkhela, vatrushka, chack-chack. The delicacies remind you of your grandmother. In New York City, you don't have your babtsia, but a babushka who babysits you when Irina is busy. She bakes you Birds’ Milk Cake, gingerbread, and reads you Russian stories.[break][break]
But English dominates the outside world. You become the quiet kid who can't communicate well with the others. Some mock your accent. Some ask you if you're dumb for not having basic knowledge. While you don't realize it, the number of things you hate starts to pile up: English, spending hours reading the dictionary, looking for words. In the morning, your stomach twist at thought of going to school. [break][break]
You don't belong here. Homesickness clouds your brain. At night, tears roll on your cheeks. You desire something you can't have anymore. You're a child. A child who knows his mother is sacrificing herself.
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★ YOU'RE LOCKED IN AN INVISIBLE CELL.[break]
As years fly, babushka Polina takes a lot of place in your life. She tells you how a man must be. Men don't cry. They must be strong. Good men are good sons. And a good son doesn't make his mother cry. Her image of manliness is full of repressed emotions, rules and duties. You feel you don't have to be you, only your ability to match this representation matters. You don't question her. It's rude to question an old lady, so you look around you, hoping to find a role model made of flesh and blood. Instead, you befriend some teenagers. With these rowdy guys older than you, only the wrong path awaits. No one will save you, but strangely you don't think about salvation. Your soul is lost.[break][break]
At 15-year-old, you drop out of Junior High School. School suffocates you, and you're now old enough to understand what happens at home. Your mother, your only family, becomes your priority. If only you had money… How many times does this thought cross your mind? With money, you can do everything. You can even turn someone else in a slave. Money gives the power to subjugate. While you look for a solution, you take the first step and join the world of the illegal fights. They take place in disused warehouses, filled by the yells of the audience. People bet on the fighters, and nobody wants to lose. Despair and rage drive you. Enough to win several combats and making money. You become an untamed beast.
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During the day, you spend your time between training at an old gym hold by a man named Grishka and your friends. You've become quite close with one of these guys. Your relationship looks like a dance. One step forward. Two steps backward. And every time, your heart flutters, fear crawls under your skin. But one day, it happens. A kiss on the spur of the moment at home. Your mother comes back at the same time. The expression clouding her features haunts you.[break] In the evening, she doesn't talk, but she cries. You promise one thing to yourself: you'll never be a bad son again.
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★ YOU'RE A BIRD WITHOUT WINGS.[break]
Grishka trains you for two years, but he doesn't tell you, you follow the same training as the mafia's bodyguards. And he's very pleased with your improvement. When you turn 18 years old, you learn about his ties with the mafia and you strike a deal with him: he helps you to free your mother, and you'll take any job to pay her debt to her procurer.[break]
A week after, Grishka sends you to Seattle, keeping for himself a part of the truth you deserve. You don't focus on the past. Now you're one of the Mikhailov's bodyguards, watching over Rosemary.[break]
Some call you a dog. Don't mess up. Shelters don't exist for people like you.[break]
There's only a grave.

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call me
NIEL

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