ABOUT STELLA

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a letter to you

stella paced - she paced, and paced, and when she stopped pacing... she'd pace some more. before her lay a desk, a pen, a stack of paper. she was meant to write another song, please her producer, but since what had happened... nothing could come to mind. her heart had been heavy, heavy and broken and stitched together crudely. it has been hard, it always is - it's always so hard for a mother to die in child birth, and it's always so hard for their lover to pick up the pieces. stella's maternity leave had ended. she had moved to washington, but she still had a job to do. she always had a job to do.[break][break]

she paced, back and forth, forth and back. no words nor tune nor melody came to mind. instead, only sorrow and grief. until a thought came to mind - her daughter. her dear nova. stella had not once blamed this child for what she had lost, she counted her blessings to have at least one of them survive. nova had been sound in her crib, quiet as a mouse, sleeping away without an ounce of mourning. stella counted nova lucky, but only for now. one day, she'll grow up, and ask where her other parent was. one day, she'll grow up and learn of what she had lost. one day, she would share stella's grief, and although the thought of sharing her grief gave comfort, she'd never wish that on anyone in the world.[break][break]

the mourning mother hummed a gentle tune to her daughter, stepping silently towards the crib. a lullaby her and her darling had sung while the pregnancy endured, a calming little tune to help bring the soon-to-be-family closer. as nova continued to sleep, only stirring slight, stella gathered her motivation to write. not for her job, but for her daughter.[break][break]

she couldn't sing right now, she could only grieve, but something she had learned in her short time of therapy was that getting it out sometimes helped. so, as stella lifted the pen, she began to do just that. a letter, for her child, for her beloved little baby. she'd tell her all about the adventures she and her wife shared.[break][break]

cynthia.[break][break]

stella emphasized her wife. emphasized how she looked, how she spoke, how she acted. she wrote every detail from memory, as crystal clear as day, written almost as if a poem to capture cynthia's truest form. she was kind. she was compassionate. she was more charismatic than stella could ever be. they shared many traits, but differed in many traits more - cynthia's compassion was laced in playful jabs and her kindness was stern. she had walked with a stride of total confidence, and had helped stella's grow as they did. not once did she bat an eye, no matter the cause. stella's transition had been taken in total stride, even, with cynthia supporting her every step of the way.[break][break]

to stella, she was perfect. even her flaws were endearing, even the things that annoyed her at times, stella loved. pet peeves were easily overlooked, because cynthia tried, and changed, and never left stella's side. they communicated, they compromised, they taught each other just how healthy a relationship could be - should be! by the time stella had finished describing her late love, she had been tearing up, crying not just in grief, but in remembering how amazing cynthia had been.[break][break]

with a soft chuckle, she wiped her eyes, and began again, on a new page, to share some of their history. how they had met in junior high, how they had fallen in love almost immediately, antics from classes and drama from high school. how they co-starred in shows every now and then, child actresses who grew together and loved each other. how, after they had graduated, cynthia proposed. how they had gotten married in the park they had first met. how the band they had started got recognized and started an uproar.[break][break]

they had pursued their dreams together. big name movies, guest appearances in television shows, big 'gigs' for their band, all of it. and while the fame started to settle a bit, they decided... it was time. stella emphasized in the letter, just how much the two had wanted a child. they had dreamed more than anything else about having a family. when reality had hit, and everything had fallen apart, stella stopped writing. they had wanted a family, and it was what had gotten cynthia killed.[break][break]

with a shaky breath, and a wipe of her eyes, stella leaned back in her chair, eyes to the ceiling. she thought long and hard. about what to do from here, about how to raise nova alone, about how she'll ever be able to heal and move on. life has a funny way of lifting our spirits and tearing them down again. after a few moments, after gathering her breath and her emotions together, stella continued on the final page.[break][break]

she outlined how cynthia had passed. she outlined how the two of them loved nova since before she'd been born. she told her future daughter that no matter what you do, no matter who you are, they would both love her. that it was not her fault, that it was never her fault. she dated the letter, signed it, and safely put it within the drawers of her desk. by the time she had finished, a stirring baby beaconed her, and stella exhaled slow.[break][break]

humming the tune her beloved and she had made together, she rose to her feet, stepping silently to the crib. finally, she had a new muse. lifting her baby delicately in her arms, stella rocked her slow, and kissed her forehead. "we will make it through this, my little one," she hummed gently as she rocked, "everything will be okay in the end. i will love you forever.

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call me
RIOT

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